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Write it Down

Lotte Vesterli on March 1, 2021

Don’t let your bullying complaint evaporate. When you have been subjected to bulling or other inappropriate behavior, put down in writing what happened. That has two important effects. First, it makes your mind less likely to keep reminding you of the incident. Second, it allows you create a complaint that cannot evaporate.

When something important happens, good or bad, your mind recognizes it. Because it is important, your minds wants to hold on to it. That means it will regularly remind you in order to refresh the memory. For good memories, that is great. For bad experiences, you want to tell your mind that you got this on paper, so you don’t need any more reminders.

The people in your organization’s HR department or the school district have lots of things to worry about. If you report bullying, your important report might get lost in a pile of less important, but seemingly more urgent, tasks. But once a report is in writing, it cannot easily evaporate. It becomes a record in a system. There are people who will be evaluated on whether they address the complaints in that system. And if complaints about specific people pile up, they are more likely to be taken to task.

Sometimes You Need Help

Lotte Vesterli on February 25, 2021

Sometimes you do need help. I try to provide useful self-help advice for everybody who follow me on social media, but if you have a serious issue, you will need to work individually with someone.

One point where my American friends are ahead of us here in Europe is that there is little or no stigma attached to visiting a psychologist in the US. In Europe, it would be very surprising to hear someone in casual conversation say “as I told my therapist…”

I want to make it as easy as possible to work with me, so you can simply click a button on my website to set up a free 20-minute call. Or click this link: https://vester.li/i05. I’m here if you need me.

Meetup: Overcoming the Effects of Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on February 22, 2021

I host an online meetup about overcoming the effects of bullying today at 7PM CET. Being bullied leaves scars that can take many years to heal, and the current situation can re-activate trauma from our past. Join me to hear about the three steps you can take today to overcome your bullying experience and move forward in your life. Sign up here: https://www.meetup.com/Life-After-Bullying-online-self-empowerment-group/events/276458577/

Speak Up Against Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on February 3, 2021

Ireland has taken step forward in the fight against workplace bullying with their new “Code of Practice for Employers and Employees on the Prevention and Resolution of Bullying at Work.” Having an official definition of what constitutes bullying can be helpful. It means that a company HR department that receives a complaint has something to compare the reported behavior to.

Rules are one part of the fight against bullying, but the most important part is yours. If you are subject of bullying, you need to report it. If you witness bullying and don’t want to step into the situation, you also need to report it. When we all speak up against bullying, the bully faces consequences and bullying decreases.

Workplace Bulling

Lotte Vesterli on January 13, 2021

Working from home has decreased bullying by bosses and co-workers. Workplace bullying often happens in informal conversations, and there are simply fewer of these when working from home. If you find that you are actually happier and less stressed when working from home, that can be an indicator that you were having negative workplace interactions you might not even consciously notice.

Keep a log of how you feel (for example in a journal, as I discussed yesterday). Start now when you are working from home, and continue it once you get back to the office. If you find that you feel worse back in the office, start paying attention to the tone of your interactions at work. There might be subtle bullying happening that you don’t notice. 

Report Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on November 25, 2020

UK Home Secretary Priti Patel was found to have bullied staff, violating the ministerial code. The Home Secretary apologized, and the Prime Minister decided his anti-bullying strategy did not extend beyond sending a letter to all ministers reminding them to behave themselves.

If you are bullied in the workplace, you need to speak up to someone. It will be uncomfortable confronting the bully, but in any medium-sized or larger organization, you don’t need to do that. Instead, report the bullying to your HR function, giving details of specific incidents of bullying. If the bullying is in email, print them out, give a paper copy to HR and keep one yourself. Your HR function might decide to confront the bully immediately, or only after receiving multiple reports. But by reporting them, you are no longer a passive victim. And that is an important step in stopping bullying.

Bullying Immunity

Lotte Vesterli on October 29, 2020

In Japan, some school districts are trying to implement Artificial Intelligence (AI) computer systems to help them respond better to bullying. That’s not as stupid as it sounds.

Ideally, teachers would be aware of the bullying and respond immediately. But Japan has hundreds of thousands of bullying incidents reported each year and don’t have the resources to deal with all of them. The idea of the computer system is to help draw attention to the worst cases so that the anti-bullying and victim support effort can be concentrated where it helps most.

This can be one part of the fight against bullying. But the most important part remains to make sure that everybody has the self-love and self-esteem that will make them immune to bullying.

Time Away from Screens

Lotte Vesterli on October 20, 2020

China is stepping up the fight against bullying with a new law to protect children online. It says internet companies have to take “necessary measures” against cyberbullying, including blocking and deleting content.

The more internet companies do, the better. And if you’re the victim of cyberbullying you should use the tools to report bullying.

But what you really need is time away from screens. You need to process and heal from past trauma in order to stop bullying and ignore it when it does happen. I have my ABC method (Attitude, Breathing, Choices), and there are others. You are free to reach out to me at no cost to see how I can help you.

Schedule a time here: https://www.lottevesterli.com/intro-call/

Self-esteem Against Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on October 15, 2020

October is National Bullying Prevention Month, and there are also bullying prevention weeks and days. These efforts are misnamed and should be called “bullying awareness” instead. Preventing bullying is not something that happens in one day, week, or month.

To prevent bullying, and to lessen the impact when it does happen, we need to work on self-esteem. That is a long-term effort. Teachers can include it in the curriculum, but once we leave school, we are on our own. If you have been the victim of bullying, look for tools that help you improve how you feel about yourself.

Speak Your Voice

Lotte Vesterli on May 22, 2019

Speak Your Voice

”Stupid,” ”Wrong answer,” “Not relevant” were the responses I usually got when I tried to speak up in class. Or I was simply ignored. Over time, my voice began disappearing. It became less and less audible as my internal fear of receiving a harsh reaction and being ridiculed grew. 

During my school years, I had speech therapy multiple times to help me raise my voice. The goal was that my classmates and others could simply hear what I said. I learned to articulate more clearly, to use my body to put more sound into my voice. And yes, it did help in the therapy sessions. But it didn’t raise my voice or made it clearer outside of the safe place in the therapist’s office. Speech therapy tackled the mechanical aspects of my voice issues, but it didn’t address the emotional issues – my extremely low self-esteem and my anxiety. And these were the main reasons my voice had shut down. 

I used to believe I was an introvert. Today, I love networking. I used to think I couldn’t speak in front of others, today I love speaking and teaching around the world. The shift came when I started to work on my limiting beliefs, my anxiety issues and the deep emotional blocks created by my teacher and others who bullied me over the years.  I did it, and you can, too. 

Internal fears and blocking beliefs will define how you show up in your life today. When you choose to work through these blocks, you start to show up differently and can create a different life. As one of my clients said: “With my old belief, I would have taken the boring job as a sales assistant well inside my comfort zone.” Instead, she went for the other offer as a project manager for a major event. Before she was able to take that decision, she had to work on her low self-esteem and the belief that nobody would listen to her. Today, she is happy in her job and can’t believe that she ever considered taking the sales assistant job. 

Are you ready to work through the blocks that stop you? Join my free community where you can find resources to help you move forward in life.