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Computers Can’t Stop Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on December 6, 2022

Humans understand bullying, but computers don’t. The bullying in online games takes place in real time, so it’s impossible to have human moderators stop it in time. As a second-best thing, gaming companies have maintained lists of banned words. As dictators around the world have found, humans quickly find creative ways around censorship. Unfortunately, that creativity also means that bullies can find ways to hurt others without using any of the words on the banned list.

I can see that advances are being made in Artificial Intelligence so that the computer begins to understand the context of words. That might make them better at detecting bullying. But technology will never save us from bullying.

What does protect against bullying is building up everyone’s self-worth. People who believe they are valuable and important humans don’t bully and are much less affected if they are subjected to bullying behavior.

Why do Anti-Bullying Campaigns Still Look the Same?

Lotte Vesterli on November 15, 2022

A campaign is good, but action is better. This week is Anti-Bullying Week in the UK, and I support everything that fights bullying. However, it seems to me that most campaigns are still doing the same thing we did 20 years ago. Since we’re still running these campaigns, maybe our way of fighting bullying hasn’t been terribly effective?

The best way to fight bullying is by helping everyone build up their self-esteem. A person with healthy self-esteem is not a bully, and is able to shrug it off if someone tries to bully them. We’re not seeing many “Self-esteem weeks,” but I am hopeful they are coming.

Bullying Effects Can Last a Lifetime

Lotte Vesterli on October 26, 2022

We need a higher awareness of how much effect any form of bullying has on kids and adults. The media reports the tragic cases where bullying leads to suicide, but we don’t hear about the traumatization that affects the victim for a lifetime if not dealt with.

We need to alter the way we teach! Besides rules and penalties, we have to teach self-esteem and how to work through emotions throughout the whole school system. High self-esteem makes it easier to deal with the bullying and to report it. And people with high self-esteem are less inclined to start bullying.

Software Doesn’t Prevent Bullying, But Self-Esteem Does

Lotte Vesterli on October 18, 2022

Can you prevent bullying with software? I’ve just heard of a startup that offers a system to schools with regular surveys and communication features. Their idea is to build a “social graph” and identify the children who have few connections. These are most likely to be bullied. I don’t think this will “solve bullying” as their marketing claims, but it might have a positive effect in directing teacher attention to the children most at risk.

What I know is that you can reduce bullying by building up self-esteem. A child with high self-esteem is less likely to be a victim of bullying. These children can also much more easily brush off any bullying that does happen without suffering long-term effects. Additionally, children with higher self-esteem are much less likely to bully others.

I work with self-esteem in both children and adults. I call this “bullying vaccination,” and this is one vaccination guaranteed to be without side effects. Contact me if you want to hear more about how I can help you, your child, your school, or your workplace.

How to Fight Bullying

Lotte Vesterli on September 15, 2022

Bullying just cost an American school a million dollars. That was what a judge ordered them to pay to a bullying victim because they did not take reports of bullying seriously. That might make that one school take bullying seriously in the future, but we cannot fight bullying with fines and anti-bullying policies on a piece of paper.

Preventing a bully from bullying is very hard. It is easier to create bullying resilience in children – and adults. We do that by helping them build up their self-esteem. If you know someone being bullied – or at risk – get in touch to hear how I can help.

Build Bullying Resilience

Lotte Vesterli on March 8, 2022

Bullying is now a criminal offense in France. There are high fines and the penalties for the most severe bullying go up to ten years in jail. More important than the penalties is the additional teacher training that the new law also provides.

Anti-bullying laws and rules are necessary, but they are only one small part of the fight against bullying. We cannot force the bullies to seek the therapy they need, but we can make sure that bystanders are encouraged to step in. And we can give those at risk of becoming victims tools to improve their self-esteem to prevent bullying from happening. You can find many of the most powerful tools I have found in my book Life after Bullying. 

Can You Take a Compliment?

Lotte Vesterli on March 1, 2022

Can you take a compliment? Surprisingly, many people have a hard time accepting a compliment. They brush it off, saying “oh, that’s nothing.” That diminishes the compliment for both yourself and the giver. Instead, embrace and enjoy all the positive feedback you get.

I have found that many of my clients have a hard time accepting compliments. It can be a symptom of low self-esteem. However, becoming aware of compliments and accepting them is also a way to build yourself up. If you have my book Life after Bullying, review chapter 15 on feedback today. After all, it is World Compliment Day 😉

Playing it Safe

Lotte Vesterli on April 22, 2021

Do you always play it safe? We all have our personal risk profiles. Some people climb mountains without safety ropes, while others won’t climb more than two steps up a ladder. People who suffer from anxiety and low self-esteem, like bullying victims, tend to be the most risk-averse. In a pandemic, being careful to adhere to all the guidelines is useful. But in life in general, being over-cautious means you miss out on things you could safely have done.

Researchers in the UK were working with a group of 400 children and found that teaching them chess decreased their risk aversion. In the game of chess, you need to be able to take prudent risks – maybe sacrificing a piece to gain a decisive advantage. Chess was a safe environment for the children to experiment with risk – the worst thing that could happen was that they lost the game.

If you are feeling risk aversion is holding you back, look for a similar safe environment where you can practice taking small risks. If you are anxious about speaking to strangers, join a club or association where everybody has an interest in common. In this environment, it will be easier to ask a stranger a question because you can expect everybody to want to share their knowledge and love of your common subject.

Bullying Immunity

Lotte Vesterli on October 29, 2020

In Japan, some school districts are trying to implement Artificial Intelligence (AI) computer systems to help them respond better to bullying. That’s not as stupid as it sounds.

Ideally, teachers would be aware of the bullying and respond immediately. But Japan has hundreds of thousands of bullying incidents reported each year and don’t have the resources to deal with all of them. The idea of the computer system is to help draw attention to the worst cases so that the anti-bullying and victim support effort can be concentrated where it helps most.

This can be one part of the fight against bullying. But the most important part remains to make sure that everybody has the self-love and self-esteem that will make them immune to bullying.

Notice What You’re Good At

Lotte Vesterli on October 27, 2020

To improve your self-esteem, make a list of the things you’re good at. We tend to look at other people and envy them that they can play an instrument, cook, fix computers, or do other things that we can’t. But we’re not good at appreciating what we’re good at ourselves.

Everybody is good at something, and other people will mention it when they notice you demonstrating your skill at decorating, woodworking, or anything else. Unfortunately, unless we tune in, we don’t hear it. Start your day by saying to yourself: “Today I will notice all the praise I get.” That primes your brain to really listen to the compliments you get. You’ll find you get more than you think.